Actually I'm feeling a little crap lately, and even just a little paranoid, so i dont really feel like i can put this anywhere else. I suppose noone would come and look at this blog for any particular reason, so i should be safe... :)
Have you ever had a bully of a boss? I thought i'd feel better once i stood up to him and refused to let him talk to me like that - showed him he has to have just a little responsibility for his actions. You should see the review i got from him. You should feel how i feels at home when i should be relaxed and happy to be back in my space - how can he have stolen that? So much for being pregnant and enjoying that phase of my life. This is not enjoyable.
As if that wasn't enough, it now feels like there's questions coming up from everywhere. Someone told me the other day that I think i know my team but actually i dont - they're not happy. Funny, i thought I'd have seen that. But.....now i question myself. Then try to prove it to myself, and then i sound as though i'm just trying to convince myself, and then i start to sound paranoid as i try to bounce my ideas off people.
I feel like shit. i wish i could throw in the towell. It would suck right now. :) I'd leave them with that big group in late July to think about. Leah's going away soon for a month....would they/could they stop her from going - i doubt it, which would be good for her - even though i think she's part of the cause i don't think its from any bad intentions from her, just the way she processes and communicates things. I certainly wouldn't want to cause her strife over her hols. I'd LOVE to walk away from it all, but i have a husband and a child coming that i have to think about.

So, i feel like I have to fight it all. Stand up and be strong, outwhit and outsmart them when i can. Keep my nose clean - which i do anyway, but i still feel like there's traps being set for me at every possible turn - see, i sound paranoid... *sigh* A good supervisor like me, who just wants to do their job well, and not for the money or the fame or anything, shouldn't get a bad review like that. If they asked around they'd find i do my job well. He's asked the staff about a few things, and they've been right about all of it, been doing the right thing - coz i've watched it all and taught it all. Why am i getting such a hard time about it all. I hate this whole thing, its so unfair.
But he thinks because he has money he can do what he wants. My HR manager actually told me i have to put up with his childish ways because its a small business. Uhuh, because its a small business i have to put up with a bullying abusive boss. I'm sure he'd have plenty of people agree with him on that note.

2 weeks ago i was happy and contented. considering changing my (unannounced) decision to quit rather than take maternity leave (which has changed to a decision to take lots of holiday time - with the loading - then maternity leave, then announce my resignation. Milk them for all their worthless money!!). I hate questions. questions on peoples intentions. questions on what these people think they're doing, why they wont trust me and/or come to see me directly about their concerns. How far will he go and can i endure it. Should i.

they're going on holidays for a month this week. ....will that improve it. Somehow i don't think it will. Will i get any leaniency when my off-sider is away for a month and i have no office time? I highly doubt it, i've been here for 2 years, i know the drill. Will my off-sider ever believe me and take my side again??? who knows. Is she right in not taking my side? Actually i dont think so.

Remember when she started and seemed so mature and like a breath of fresh air? Smart and good at details... Happy to work for the sake of doing a good job. Who knew that in all of that was someone who would only pass on the negative aspects of anything? And do it loudly and persistently. I hate that part of her. I still like her, but i dont think anyone can understand that about me - if i express my dissatisfaction with that part of her, even if i point out clearly i know she doesn't have ANY cruel intentions with it, they seem to think i'm being political. Dont they all see i'm not a politcal person?? I'd have been kissing up to the bosses if that were the case and none of this ever would have happened........................

so what now? I suppose i take a deep breath, know its good for my baby, smile, laugh a little at myself (rather than the people around me), thank my beautiful huband for doing the dishes and washing and sweeping the floors while i've been working and giving myself some therapy, lean on him just a little bit knowing hes a supplier of so much of my happiness, realise that there's no more problems i can fix today, enjoy the sunshine and feel the warmth of it on my skin, and look for all the other beautiful things that still fill my very blessed and lucky life. And then intrinsicially know i have something (many things?) my bully boss will always long for and may very well never have. And feel sorry for him. And perhaps one day....maybe even manage to forgive him like i want to...

therapy session over. :) Thanks for listening.
Truly,
Me.